Heartland 0511 Fools Gold One shot Loss and belonging
by Anjewelraine
Summary: Ty struggles to come to terms with the loss of his father, Will Amy be able to pull him back from the darkness.


_**A/N; I do not own heartland or any of its characters, this is a add scene to Episode 11 season 5 "Fools Gold"**_

 **Loss and belonging. One -shot**

Lilly slowly unpacked her clothes, she looked around the loft, a soft smile playing on her lips. Jacks offer for her to stay had come as a welcome surprise. Lilly pulled the hanger onto her shirt and reached forward to hand it on the rail.

Behind her Ty slowly walked into the loft, his face not giving much indication of how he was feeling after she had dropped the bombshell on him about his father's passing.

"you going to be ok in here, it gets kinda cold at night" he said quietly, feeling awkward but not really knowing why.

"I'll be fine" lily smiled, "Its nice actually, kinda cozy"

"well. I'll let you get some rest, you must be pretty exhausted" Ty turned to leave, needing to distance himself from her and the situation, his dispondant look registering in lily's eyes.

"Ty wait," she called" there's something we need to discuss"

Ty stopped, shut his eyes and turned back around, he stepped through the door way again, watching his mother.

"Brad told the Chaplin at the hospital he wanted his surviving family to spread his ashes, I thought tomorrow we could find a nice spot and"

"wait, wait. wait. wait Mom" Ty interrupted, disbelief in his green eyes as he shook his head slowly, not believing what he had just heard.

"you brought his ashes here?" His voice shook slightly at the thought.

Lilly nodded, smiling at her son, "it's what he wanted"

Tys eyes searched his mothers for some form of understanding, this day had started with him feeling so excited about her visit, and had slowly dissolved into an evening on mixed emotions, pain and confusion.

"Ty were his only family" Lilly explained,

"you don't treat family the way he treated us" Tys words cut Lilly, she could see how close to the edge he was. She clenched her shirt in her hands, watching him.

"your right, he made a lot of mistakes" she said softly, turning back to her bag and walking back to the clothes rail.

"mistakes, that's a pretty kind way of putting it" Ty replied shortly, his hands trembling slightly.

"well it doesn't matter now, has gone" she said, her words short and final, she took a deep breath and hung up her shirt.

"Ty, we need to forgive him, we've got to move on, what other choice is there?" She stood still, her son silent behind her, still trying to process the conversation.

She turned to look at him again, "so when you come by tomorrow, we'll just talk, about a place ok?" she watched him, a reassuring smile on her face" someplace peaceful, your dad didn't have a lot of that in his life, maybe we can help him find it now"

Lilly searched his eyes for understanding or acceptance, but found none. Ty stared at his mother sadly and then turned away, slowly walking down the stairs from the loft. Amway from his mother, away from the memories, away from the anger and disappointment.

Amy drove her Grandpas truck down the road, she didn't know what to say to the silent Ty who sat across from her. He had hardly spoken two words since they had gone to Heartland.

He had shut her out on their walk, she felt the walls go up around him, blocking her from getting close to him again. His anger and annoyance and pain keeping her at bay.

They had come so far since they first met back when they were both still just kids themselves. He was so angry at everything then, and it had

taken her a long time to get him to trust her enough to let her in. He hadn't really openly shared his past involving his family, he had kept it

hidden, she knew there were issues, she knew about Wade and the abuse. But his life before that, with his mom and dad was sketchy. He

had told her about his dad reluctantly when he had turned up at Heartland with a trailer full of sick horses. She knew he had left Ty for dead in

Calgary after Ty had given up his life at Heartland and his relationship with Amy to help him. Leaving him to the mercy of angry bikies looking

for pay back.

Amy flicked her lip. Feeling useless.

She wanted to help him, she wanted to tell him it was all going to be ok,

But tonight, she felt as far away from him as she ever had, Ty was emotionally cut off from her, he seemed completely out of reach.

She turned the truck into the lot where Caleb's trailer stood, and put it into park, looking over at him, concern in her eyes.

Amy sighed," sure you don't want me to come in with you?" she asked, hoping he would say yes.

"yeah, I'm pretty beat, I'm just going to hit the hay" Ty said softly, his arm across the trucks seat,

"maybe you shouldn't be alone tonight?" She suggested, pleading with him silently to agree.

"no, it's ok" Ty responded shaking his head, pretending there was absolutely no need for Amy to be concerned. "I'll call you in the morning ok," he leant over to her and kissed her gently. It was a kiss of convenience, a shallow attempt to show her he was fine.

"ok" Amy conceded, watching him get out of the truck and slowly walk towards the trailer,

She watched him enter and the trailer and close the door. Amy sighed and pulled the truck into reverse and pulled away.

Ty looked despondently around the dark trailer, the broken dishes crunching under his boots. He considered cleaning it up but his lack of

motivation and his flat mood let him walk past them and sit on the bed. His mind was numb, he felt nothing, which was partially what was

making him so annoyed, He knew he should feel something, he should be crying, he should feel sad, or angry, but these was nothing. Just a

dark void and the knowledge that his dad was never coming back.

He sat in the darkness for what felt like an eternity. Trying to pull it all together. Finally giving in to the emotional exhaustion and laying back on the bed, his eyes now focused on the ceiling.

The silence was deafening, the world around him was blocked out by the darkness that filled his mind.

Ty rolled over, pulling the pillow tightly under his head, wrapping his arms around it in a feeble attempt to seek comfort.

He heard the trailer door open, but did not turn to see who it was, he heard the footsteps slowly walk towards him, his eyes stayed focused

on the trailer wall as Amy took of her jacket and slid onto the bed behind him, her head resting behind his. She slid her arm around his waist

and pulled her self-closer to him, her body spooning his from behind. Ty shut his eyes and slowly reached for her hand, taking it in his and

pulling it closer.

Amy gently kissed his cheek trying to reassure him, she didn't know what to say, or if words would make a difference. Tys hand squeezed hers

gently, a subtle way of saying thank you for staying. He turned his head to face her, his eyes searching hers and gently touched his lips to hers.

The kiss was soft and gentle, Amy could tell he was struggling to find a connection.

"Ty, "Amy said softly, watching his face.

Tys eyes locked onto hers, and he kissed her again, not wanting to talk, words where not going to help him right now, he desperately needed

to feel something, anything apart from the void that had engulfed him. He held the kiss, pushing past the softness. Dissolving the tenderness.

Allowing his frustration to take hold.

Amy pulled away briefly, taking a breath, surprised by his forcefulness.

"Ty, please, talk to me"

He watched her in the darkness, his eyes searching hers, not knowing what to say,

"there's nothing to say Amy, "he finally whispered, rolling over to face her, his arms around her waist.

"Come on Ty, you just lost…"

Ty silenced her with another kiss. This time a more passionate intense one. He didn't want to talk, he wanted to escape. He wanted to feel something other than the numbness that engulfed his soul.

He kissed her again, a firm eager kiss, rolling her onto her back pulling himself on top of her. His arms balancing his weight on either side of her petite form.

Amy could feel his urgency and his desperation, he was not being his usual tender self, there was an unspoken need about his advances, an

underlying current that usually wasn't there. She knew Ty loved her, and that she was always safe when in his arms. But something felt

different, He was searching for something in their intimacy that he couldn't find. And she could feel how much this was distressing him.

Amy broke the connection and looked up at TY, her breath shaking slightly.

Ty watched her, his face only centremeters from hers, his breathing also now erratic. His mouth slightly open, his soft hair tickling her forehead.

Ty twitched his lip and lent down to kiss her again, but Amy stopped him by placing her hand upon his lips,

He flicked it away with a toss of his head, his eyes still locked to hers and went to kiss her again. Amy didn't see the Ty he knew in those green eyes, they were filled with desperation.

"Ty! "she warned, bringing him back to her, regret instantly on his face. HIs breathing was erratic, his eyes searched hers realizing he was

close to crossing a line. Ty bit his lip. Anger registering in his eyes, but the anger was at himself not at Amy for refusing him. Tys love and

respect for her was the most important thing in the world to him. He cursed himself for his actions.

He watched her, his body trembling, his eyes welling up, furious with himself.

"dammit" he hissed and pulled away rolling back onto his side of the bed, facing away from the woman he loved. "I'm sorry."

Amy propped herself up on her elbow and touched his shoulder, encouraging him to turn back to face her.

TYs eyes met hers and she could see the pain he was in.

"I'm so sorry, "he whispered again, touching her cheek" I never meant to…. I just want to feel something!" his eyes pleaded with hers" why can't I feel anything!"

Amy grabbed him and pulled Ty close to her, his head buried into her shoulder, she wrapped her arms around him and held on tight, feeling his

tears on her skin. His body finally giving in to the guilt and exhaustion.

"I'm here," she said softly. Rubbing her hand along his back in comfort.

They lay still in the darkness, Ty losing himself in her embrace. He couldn't face the world, he couldn't face her. He felt adrift and alone.

Slowly he tilted his head towards hers, his hand reaching up to touch her soft cheek.

"I'm so sorry" he croaked, searching her eyes for forgiveness.

"sh, "Amy wiped his cheek, knowing the tears where from his actions and not for his father. "it's ok, "

"you know I would never." he started but was cut off by Amy gently kissing his lips in reassurance. He hesitated at first, not responding for fear

of losing himself again to his dark thoughts. But her tenderness and warmth brought him round.

He returned the kiss, keeping it soft and gentle, following her lead, allowing his heart to open to her again.

Amy ran her hand down his side, wrapping it around his waist and cradling his shoulder, she broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, touching

the tip of her nose to his.

"Lilly is worried about you Ty," she said quietly in the darkness, "so am I"

Ty rolled his eyes and rolled onto his back, putting his arm behind his head. Amy cuddled into his chest, resting her head under his jaw, feeling safe and secure in his embrace.

"she's always worried about something Amy," he replied" everything is a drama"

"Ty, she needs you as much as you need her, "Amy pleaded, "that's why she came, so you could handle this together"

Ty sighed and ran his hand across her shoulder,

"she came because she wants me to handle all this, she doesn't want to deal with it." His voice was resigned and cold.

"I don't believe that Ty, "Amy propped herself up and caught his gaze, "and neither do you"

Ty didn't answer, he didn't want to argue with her,

"tell me about your dad?" she asked, trying to get him to open up.

"there's nothing to tell Amy. "he said flatly, "he left me and mom when I was little, that's it"

"but you must have some memories of him? "Amy continued, pushing the envelope" good ones,"

Ty rubbed his eyes with his free hand and signed heavily, He knew she was just trying to help, but he could feel the anger and pain rising again.

"the bad far outweigh the good "he finally said his voice low, "Amy, please can we stop, I really don't want to dredge all this up with you"

Amy looked away, the hurt showing on her features, Ty saw her face and instantly regretted his tone.

"Amy," he said softly reaching for her and pulling her face closer to his, "I didn't mean it like that, you know how much I love you"

"then let me in, "she replied, sitting up and pulling on her jacket,

Ty pulled himself up as well, afraid she was going to leave,

"ok, ok," he whispered, "I'm sorry, please"

Amy stood up and walked over to the counter, flicking on the kettle, she turned back to look at Ty who was now sitting on the bed, watching

her intently. A worried look on his face.

"my dad was in an out of jail, but yes there were times when I was young where it was good, "he opened up, looking away from her gaze,

"tell me about those times" she encouraged, getting two cups down from the shelf.

"well, he used to do magic, "he said softly, "I thought he was a magician"

Amy smiled, "you told me he was good at card tricks when we were on the round up" she encouraged,

"yeah, he liked cards, "he mused, a hint of sarcasm in his tone, "especially if they were in a poker game"

Amy furrowed her brow at him.

"good memories, remember" she said, pouring the tea.

Ty signed and redirected "we went on road trips, me, mom and him. We went up to Eagle Lake once, "

"really, it beautiful up there, "

Ty nodded, his memories playing in his mind." I was only a kid, but it's the only time I can say we were a family," He looked at Amy, seeing her understanding.

"those are the memories you need to hold onto now Ty "she said, passing him a cup of hot tea.

Ty took the cup and took quick sip, placing it on the table next to the bed.

"that's easy to say Amy, he left us after that road trip, he walked out on us, abandoned his family"

Tys attitude changed, the pain and rejection returning.

Amy stood in front of him and touched his cheek, resting her hands on his shoulders.

Ty looked up into her eyes, and smiled weakly.

"All of that is what has made you who you are today Ty, everything in your past is what brought you to Heartland and to me. You are not that same kid anymore, "

"so that makes it all ok?" he replied. searching her eyes.

"no, it's not, ok" Amy replied, "I wish It was that easy," she took a deep breath and squeezed his shoulders. "you are an amazing person Ty Borden; your father does not define you."

"how can you be so sure of that Amy" he breathed, "I'm a Borden, and we destroy everything we touch,"

"Ty, yes you are a Borden, but you made yourself who you are today, "Amy didn't know what else to say, he didn't seem to want to believe her" I love you Ty Borden. I don't care where you came from, or how you got here, I love you because you are amazing, and decent and loyal and a good man, "

Ty sat on the bed, looking up at the slightly agitated Amy who stood before him. He couldn't help but smile at her determination to make him believe in himself again. "I'm everything I am because of you Amy Fleming" he said softly, running his hands up her hips and resting them around her waist.

Amy shook her head, "you lost your dad Ty, he was family, whether you like it or not he is a part of who you are,"

TY looked away, the despondent look returning to his green eyes, "I only found out what a family was once I came to Heartland, you have no idea what it was like, growing up with …." he stopped, and decided not to go on, not wanting to share those memories with her.

"then help me understand "Amy replied, gently turning his head back to her. "I want to understand "

"that's just it Amy, "Ty stood up so he was right in front of her, his hands around her waist, holding her still, his eyes locked intently on hers. "I don't want you to understand, I don't want you being drawn into it, you don't need that"

"don't tell me what I need or can handle Ty, "Amy retorted, "I just trying to help"

Ty sighed and kissed her forehead, not wanting to continue this conversation. The day had been draining enough without taking this impromptu trip down memory lane.

"Amy, please, I love you, but I just don't want to do this right now, please, "he pleaded with her, his green eyes locked on hers. "I'm not trying

to push you away, I just don't know what to say or to feel, "

He dropped his head, he knew he wasn't explaining it right, "I just can't put it into words, I can't deal with any of this right now," Ty sat back

down, his hands on his face, trying to regain control.

"can we just stop please, "he breathed, his voice shaking slightly

Amy knelt down in front of him, placing her hands upon his thighs, those Borden walls where holding fast, so she conceded defeat for the time being.

She leant in and kissed him tenderly, a reassuring kiss, expressing her willingness to let it go. Ty kissed her back, feeling her warmth and

understanding her message, his hands pulled her closer, their embrace intensifying.

This time however, he was not trying to lose himself in her affection, he was trying to hide his pain. All he could feel was her love, enveloping

him and making him feel safe and secure.

The day's events drifted from his mind, all he could feel was his Amy, her touch on his skin, her breath on his chin.

He pulled her down onto the bed with him, their bodies intertwined, He didn't want any more than the feeling of being loved, he just wanted

her close to him. He didn't need the physical connection, although having her so close and available was making it hard not to escalate the

moment.

Amy pulled away, breathing hard, her face slightly flushed,

"it's getting late TY, I should go" she breathed, watching him, her eyes not agreeing with her words

"Amy, "Ty touched her cheek, running his thumb along her bottom lip. "stay please, we don't have to do anything, I just don't want to …" he

dropped his words, his eyes explaining to her how he was feeling

Amy slowly nodded and cuddled in closer to him, allowing Ty to nuzzle his head into the nape of her neck, He wrapped his arms around her and gave her one final kiss.

Ty took a deep breath and whispered into her ear, "I love you" Amy smiled as she felt his body relax and his breathing slow as he drifted off into slumber.

"I love you too Ty" she replied under her breath, her arms around him, holding him close, showing him that no matter how he felt, he was not alone.

She listened to his breathing, her own keeping time, and slowly as if following him as his protector she stepped off the precipice and drifted in to slumber as well.

the end.


End file.
